


Cobwebs Across a Chasm

by jelazakazone



Category: Privates (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Loss, Nightmares, Podfic Available, Twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-25
Updated: 2013-01-25
Packaged: 2017-11-26 19:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jelazakazone/pseuds/jelazakazone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom deals with a significant fear</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cobwebs Across a Chasm

**Author's Note:**

> speakeasying did an incredible job beta’ing this fic. I cannot thank him enough. I wanted to play with different kinds of established relationships in this fic. I hope it works for people.

_“If you’re a twin, you don’t know much about being lonely. From the day you’re born, there’s the two of you and then it’s the rest of the world. And, until now, there hasn’t been anyone I could talk to about her.”_

_“She met a man. It’s the oldest story in the world, but it’s no less painful for that.”_

 

Images of Alice tumble through his mind, cartwheeling wildly. He sees her, telling him she’s pregnant and then she is lying in bed, grey as death, shallow breath. She morphs into Connie, full with child, covered with germs. A claxon rings _DANGER_. He knows these thoughts are irrational, but he’s powerless to fight them.

“Tom.”

The soft voice rouses him out of his reverie. He tries to shake the cobwebs out of his mind, but they stick, resisting removal. A residue of fear clouds his mind.

“Tom, you were dreaming again.”

He rubs his face, trying to bring his mind together with his body. He realizes his hair is soaked with sweat and his mouth feels like it’s full of sandpaper and glue.

“Mmm, what time is it?” he groans.

“Four thirty.”

“Oh, baby. I’m sorry.” He feels awful that he woke her, knowing that she has to get up early too. He scoots back, sits himself up, and roots around on the nightstand for his lighter and cigarette.

Snick. Snick. Snick, fwoosh. Hands shaking, he inhales through the cigarette, causing the tip to glow. Sweet smoke enters his lungs. He holds it there, releases it, and takes another drag, closing his eyes this time, willing his mind to clear.

He reaches out to Connie, dragging his hand over the covers that had gotten shoved out of the way during his nightmare. Her hand is there, small, but solid and warm. He realizes he’d been shivering, despite the sweat. Her touch is like a warm blanket.

Stubbing out his cigarette, he turns over, wishing to curl himself around her, seeking a fuller connection with her, as though his fear of being truly alone could be eradicated by this one action. When he snugs her into the curve of his own body, he feels the fullness of her breasts, the swell of her belly, and a wave of terror washes over him, again.

“Tom,” he hears, as though from the far end of a tunnel. He’s falling back into that nightmare, the one where he lost half of himself, the one where Alice died.

He holds her tightly. Tears prick his eyes; he can’t stop them from wetting his cheek.

“Alice,” he whispers hoarsely.

Connie wriggles in his grasp, turns to face him. She puts her forehead on his.

“Tom. I’m not Alice,” she says firmly.

He shakes his head. “I know,” he chokes out, “but I’m terrified of losing you too. I can’t lose you.”

“Tom, women have babies all the time. Have done for millennia.” 

He knows she’s trying to soothe his fears, but all he can see is a black void. He’s too worried about losing her, too.

She puts her leg over his hip, pressing her abdomen into his. He feels a pulse there. He knows it’s his own, but it soothes him anyway. 

“Honey, go back to sleep. Everything will look better in the morning, I promise.”

She rubs his back and he yields to the pleasure of her warm hand on his bare skin, sinks into it gratefully, and doesn’t notice when she disentangles their bodies a few minutes later. 

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Tom startles awake, not feeling much better than when he’d woken a couple hours before. He reaches out, pats the empty bed, and terror rises again until he recognizes the sound of water running. He slumps with the realization that Connie is already up and about. The bed is warm and he thinks to himself, _Just one more minute._ Restless nights full of bad dreams are catching up with him.

“Tom.” 

Struggling to lift heavy lids, he sees Connie leaning against the door frame. Light seems to be pouring out of her. He gasps, thinking she’s become transparent. _Of course she’s an angel._ Holding his breath, he squints at her, trying to see if she’ll solidify.

She’s rubbing his forehead now. _When did that happen?_ Her touch reassures him. The last vestiges of panic recede. He exhales, relieved.

“Come on, breakfast is ready.”

His ingrained habits take over. He tugs trousers on, wrestles his way into an undershirt and shoves his arms into his sleeves. He’s trying to tuck his shirt in and button it at the same time as he arrives at the table. Connie laughs.

“Come here,” she says tenderly. “Let me help you with that.”

He is grateful that she hasn’t mentioned last night. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Not now. Not yet.

She smooths the front of his shirt down, as though smoothing sheets on an infirmary bed. He catches her wrist and, on impulse, brings her fingertips to his lips. She wiggles them, brushing his lower lip lightly, leaving an insidious tickle behind. He can’t help but smile in spite of it.

She frowns. “Tom, time’s is running short. You are going to be late. _I_ am going to be late. Here, eat.” She jabs her hand at the plate of food on the table. 

He hesitates a moment, thinks about saying something, then sits and picks up his buttered toast, cramming a forkful of eggs in at the same time. Mouth still full, he picks up his coffee cup. He realizes Connie is still looking at him and he raises his eyebrow, voicelessly asking her _what?_

Connie sighs. “Tom, we need to talk. You know you can tell me.”

He wants to resist her gentle demand, but finds himself at a standstill between his heart and his head. Although the aching chasm of loss has shrunk a little in the past six years, it is, nonetheless, a place he does not like to visit. He gives Connie a wan smile, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat that seems to block his food for a moment.

Connie seems to understand him intuitively. She’s always read him well, except for that first time. She pulls her chair next to his. 

“My pregnancy frightens you, but it’s not something to fear.” She beams at him. “We both want this baby. Nothing is going to take me away from you. Now, I know you miss Alice, but you can’t let your fears ruin your life. Alice wouldn’t want that either now, would she?”

He sighs. _Resistance is futile._ He sips his lukewarm coffee, noticing the bitter taste on his tongue and the small warmth that slides down to his belly. She puts her arm around his shoulder, leans her head on his arm and fills his heart in doing so.

The morning light soothes his fears. He understands that Alice is irreplaceable, but he also knows that Connie will be there, with him, facing that chasm. It is enough.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic]Cobwebs](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1497610) by [readbyjela (jelazakazone)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jelazakazone/pseuds/readbyjela)




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